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Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…