[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
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God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
getting old is fun
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT