Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
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I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah