Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
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Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Noted.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.