We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
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I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?