Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
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Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”