Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
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Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
can’t bark with your mouth full
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I’m giving up for Lent.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please