Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
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If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.