Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
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I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.