A woman drives into a bar.
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I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?