I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
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Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
this is uni
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
*struts into the new year
~ trips
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.