Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
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Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.