Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
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Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.