Vodka burrito was a success
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Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.