“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
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TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.