You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
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[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
me before I type out affect or effect
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe