No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
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Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
United Steaks of America
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
courtroom exchange of the day
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
three things we don’t talk about