me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
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If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.