Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
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Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
My guardian angel deserves a raise
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier