Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
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Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
me and my fake scenarios
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
What a year we’ve had this week.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*