Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
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Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.