My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
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*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
yes… yes…
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
just got my engagement photos
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.