taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
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Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you