Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
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If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.