Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
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so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
blocked.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.