Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
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At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Always a housemaid, never a house.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this