can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
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Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking