Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
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God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.