You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
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[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”