I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
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my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.