Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
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Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
is this how new cars are made??
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I need to get some bricks…
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas