A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
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I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken