me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
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Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend