Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
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This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
he’s doing your taxes
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
when revenge coincides with naptime
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Some people were born into their job.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.