Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
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Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first