Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
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Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.