The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
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People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.