calling in to work dehydrated
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[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.