I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
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operators are standing by to ignore your call
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Nice try, poison.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?