You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
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My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
What number SPF blocks people?
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times