You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
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FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Europe. Made in Germany.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
How to find Kentucky on a map
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
incredible text to wake up to
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do