Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
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I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
PLOT TWIST:
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Dear Lord..
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.