So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
You Might Also Like
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me checking my bank balance online.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.