I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
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Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.