{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
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The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
me and my fake scenarios
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
58.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.