turning my gender off to conserve energy
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle