I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
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me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Tell the colonel to bring it
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!