Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
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I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars