Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
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[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff