Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
You Might Also Like
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.